Divorce and Remarriage
Purpose
The purpose of this document is to provide biblical clarity on the topic of divorce for the elders and members of Harbor Church, and to articulate the biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage. This document was developed with the understanding that we cannot possibly foresee, or cover every potential situation that may arise. We know that God’s Word is sufficient, but not exhaustive in detailing every possible situation that may arise in the life of a married couple. With that in mind, our intent is to provide high-level direction for the Elders and the church body, to guide us in applying the wisdom of God’s Word to real life situations.
The Importance of the Marriage Covenant
God ordained marriage (Gen 2:24) as part of his created order, and as a covenantal relationship with God between one man and one woman. It is through marriage that mankind obeys and fulfills the cultural mandate to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen 2:28). A biblical marriage relationship images the relationship within the triune God (Gen 2:18) and is a picture of the relationship of Jesus Christ to his bride, the Church (Ephesians 5:23).
Harbor Church will not recognize as a marriage, any relational commitment that is not aligned with the biblical definition of marriage–a covenantal relationship between one man and one woman only–even if the civil government or any other entity officially recognizes it as a marriage. Harbor Church will recognize all marriages that fall within the biblical definition and framework of marriage, even if either one or both spouses are unbelievers, as it is considered to be a sacred covenant in God’s eyes (Prov. 2:17).
Scripture affirms that God intended marriage to be permanent until the death of either spouse. Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates divorce. Jesus, in Matthew 19:6, says, “What therefore God had joined together, let not man separate.”
The Bible does, however, offer limited grounds for divorce. But Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:8 offer some important insight into why these limited grounds were offered. “He said to them, ‘because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.”
Biblical Grounds for Divorce
There are two clear general categories of biblical for grounds for divorce:
sexual immorality (Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9)
desertion by an unbelieving spouse (1 Cor. 7:15).
There may be other unique situations that could arise that do not fall clearly or neatly into one of these categories. In those situations it is up to the Elders to discern and adjudicate in a way that they believe is consistent with Scripture.
Sexual Immorality
Both Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9 state that if sexual immorality (porneia) has occurred, biblical grounds exist for divorce. This clearly includes a spouse having physical sexual relations with another person outside of marriage, even once. There are other types of sexual sin, however, that the Elders may judge as meeting this biblical test, especially if a spouse is demonstrating clear patterns of unrepentant sin.
All sin is offensive to God and rooted in the same problem of rebellion against God. But not all sin is of the same degree. In Matthew 5 Jesus called looking at a woman with lustful intent adultery and he equated anger with murder. This tells us that we are all guilty of breaking the law of God, because sin is rooted in hearts with sinful desires, but we understand that the repercussions and consequences of each sin relate to the degree and weightiness of the sin. In other words, getting angry with your wife would not carry the same weight or repercussions as physically and unjustly taking her life.
Porneia is a broad word which encompasses any sexual sin outside of God’s will, so each situation must be examined on a case-by-case basis to consider the weight and consequences of the sin.
Things to consider (not an exhaustive list)
Has one spouse committed physical adultery with another person (defined by sexual contact with another person—even one time)? (Matthew 5:32, 1 Corinthians 6:16)
Has a person been unwilling to stop visiting massage parlors or strip clubs, engaging in virtual sexual relationships, or internet pornography?
Has a person been unwilling to stop developing inappropriate relationships through text, calls, sending suggestive or pornographic pictures, or visits with members of the opposite sex? (I Corinthians 6:18)
Has a person been unwilling to stop using sex (either depriving or demanding) as a weapon to manipulate, control, and oppress their spouse? (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
Is there evidence of genuine repentance? (2 Cor. 7:9-10)
Is the guilty person willing to go through biblical counseling?
Desertion (not being “pleased to dwell with” – 1 Corinthians 7:12-13)
1 Corinthians 7 teaches that if a person is married to an individual who is not a follower of Jesus Christ, the Christian spouse should remain in the marriage. However, verse 15 explains that if the unbelieving spouse does not want to remain in the marriage, that act of desertion frees the believing spouse to divorce if he/she chooses to do so.
There are some situations where an unbelieving spouse says he or she is “pleased to dwell with” their married partner, but their actions indicate otherwise. This includes behavior that is physically abusive (and in some extreme cases, being mentally or verbally abusive), an unwillingness to fulfill basic marital responsibilities including providing financial and/or material support, denying physical and sexual intimacy, or not allowing the spouse or children to attend worship services and regular Bible study.
Since the “desertion clause” only applies to situations where the offending spouse is an unbeliever, the offended spouse should bring his/her evidence to the elders and it must be determined that the offending spouse is not a professing Christian. The elders will then investigate and determine if the offending spouse is truly “”not pleased to dwell with” the believing spouse and, if so, the believing spouse is free to divorce.
There may be a situation where the person desiring to leave the marriage professes to be a Christian and might even be a member of Harbor Church. If the offending party is a member, he/she will be disciplined by the Church in accordance with Matthew 18:15-17. If the church discipline gets to the final stage of putting them out of the church and removing them from membership due to unrepentance, then the church will treat the person “as a gentile and a tax collector”, or an unbeliever. (Matt 18:17). At this point the believing spouse is free to divorce.
There may be situations in a marriage in which abuse rises to the level of abandonment. Abuse is a word that is used in many different ways in our culture, so the elders will listen carefully to any report of abuse in any form. We believe a married person has the right to feel safe and experience an appropriate amount of peace in his/her own home (1 Corinthians 7:15). Care will especially be shown to those who are in the most vulnerable position in the home, namely the wife and the children.
Things to consider (not an exhaustive list)
Has one spouse abandoned the other? Things like physically leaving the home, not paying bills, and supporting children will be considered for this question. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Has a person been unwilling to stop physical abuse or was the physical abuse such that serious injury either did or could have occurred? (Galatians 5:17-21)
Have the police or other law enforcement officers been involved?
How widely and publicly known are the marriage issues that the couple may be experiencing? (Romans 2:22-24)
Has a person been guilty of physical confinement, financial cruelty (e.g., canceling credit cards, emptying bank accounts, etc.), or withholding common physical provisions such as food, clothing, and basic needs? (Ephesians 5:2, 25)
Has a person been guilty of extended oppression with behavior like: words that seek to control, repeated non-violent acts of oppression, relational sabotage with children, intimidation regarding relationships, or sharing information with others for the purpose or result of tearing down the other spouse? (Ephesians 4:29-32)
Is there a mitigating health condition or previous sexual/physical abuse that is impacting the behavior of a spouse? (e.g., an injury that changes sexual relationships, a disease that prevents sex, or a mental condition that impacts a spouse’s ability to think or reason.)(Ephesians 4:2; Philippians 2:3-4, 1 Peter 3:7)
Is there evidence that the spouse wants to be married and is contributing to a peaceable, amiable marriage? (1 Corinthians 7:12-13)?
Are family circumstances simply part of common human suffering (e.g., loss of a job, hurting economy)?
Is each person faithfully attending, serving, and participating in the body life of the church?(Matthew 6: 33; Acts 2:42; Romans 12:1, 11; Hebrews 10:25)
Has each person been willing to submit to biblical counseling (not just attending, but working to change and grow)? (1 Peter 2:2; 2 Peter 3:18)
Are the children old enough to express an opinion? Do the children have a level of spiritual maturity that allows them to connect Scripture with the behavior in their home and render a wise opinion? (Proverbs 18:13, 17)
Is the person/couple asking the church leadership for prayer and counsel in order to make a decision or are they simply informing the leadership of a decision already made? (Proverbs 12:15; 1 Thessalonians 3:6; Hebrews 13:17)
How Will Biblical Grounds for Divorce Be Determined?
The Bible describes the role of the church in a variety of ways, including affirming the church’s responsibility to function as a court to arbitrate matters between members (1 Corinthians 6:1-8). Within Harbor Church the Full Counsel of Elders (FCE) are designated to be the discipline committee to serve our family when seemingly irreconcilable disputes arise in a variety of matters. When it comes to determining if there are grounds for biblical divorce, the FCE serves as the body that is responsible to make that decision.
This document seeks to provide a general framework for the pastors of the church. However, the facts in each situation are different and will need to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis and weighed carefully. The elders take this responsibility very seriously and are committed to listening, praying, and searching the scriptures for each case. Work will be devoted to investigating the claims of each person and seeking to establish what is true. However, there may be times when it is impossible to determine the full extent of what is true (i.e. he said, she said). In cases where it is difficult to determine the full extent of truth, the elders may choose to err on the side of protecting the spouse that is in the weaker and more vulnerable position in the marriage.
If a man or woman believes the conditions are present for a biblical divorce, he or she should contact one of Harbor Church’s elders to present the evidence. The person presenting their evidence is welcome to bring an advocate of his or her choice. In accordance with Proverbs 18:17, time will be spent listening to the other spouse and any other appropriate parties. The utmost care will be given to listen carefully, compassionately, and completely. Much prayer will be devoted to the process before a decision is reached. Members of Harbor Church are asked to submit and seek the advice of the FCE (Hebrews 13:17) and not formally file for a divorce until a judgment is made that biblical grounds for doing so are present.
Repentance and Reconciliation
Does a Person Have to Divorce?
Just because biblical grounds may be present, does not mean the divorce must occur. We should begin with the underlying biblical premises regarding marriage and divorce:
Marriage is a sacred covenantal relationship and is intended to be permanent until either spouse’s death.
Divorce was allowed only because of the hardness of hearts (Matthew 19:7-8)
God Hates Divorce (Malachi 2:16)
Because of the gospel, Christians should maintain a posture of love and forgiveness toward those who’ve offended us.
Starting with these principles does not mean that reconciliation of a marriage must be the desired or the wisest outcome in every situation, but every area of the Christian life should reflect the gospel as we walk in the forgiveness, love, and grace of God through Christ.
Offended parties can choose to forgive, reconcile, and remain in the marriage. If that occurs, the offended spouse cannot subsequently wait to use that same issue as grounds for divorce unless new information comes to light. Cases where sexual sin happened many years in the past, and the offended party was aware and chose not to divorce, will be considered reconciled. Scripture is also clear, that a person who has been sinned against must choose to forgive someone who has sinned against them, even in cases where there may be grounds for divorce (Matthew 6:14).
Repentance
One of the defining characteristics of all believers is that they live a life of repentance. The church is not made up of perfect persons, but individuals who are striving to grow to become more like Christ in their personal holiness (Philippians 3:12-14). The biblical way that sin is dealt with in the life of individual Christians and in the body life of the church (1 John 1:9) is through confession, repentance, and forgiveness.
The Elders will not exercise church discipline simply because a member of the church commits a sin. Church discipline is called for in cases where a person is acting out sinfully and refuses to repent when confronted with the counsel and rebuke of fellow believers and/or the elders. It is when a person has been determined by the elders to be unrepentant that they are disciplined from the body of the local church. (Matthew 15:15-20).
Determining if a person is unrepentant falls to the FCE of Harbor Church. Examples of the fruit of repentance include things like: confession of sin and not trying to obscure or minimize what happened (Psalms 32:5, James 5:16), bringing sin to light before being caught (Pr. 28:13), a desire to make things right both in deed and action (Luke 19:8), a willingness to take radical steps of repentance (Acts 19:19), patience with those who have been sinned against (Matthew 18:21-35), a willingness to face consequences (Galatians 6:7), a welcoming of accountability (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12), and a teachable spirit (Colossians 1:28).
When there are biblical grounds for divorce, repentance by the offending party does not automatically mean that the Elders will recommend restoring the marriage. There may be severe situations where restoration is not possible or wise, even though repentance and forgiveness has taken place. And there may even be situations where the offense is so severe, that some form or level of church discipline will take place, to protect the purity and reputation of the church and the name of Christ, even if there is repentance and forgiveness.
There may also be certain situations where the person who was sinned against would be determined to have biblical grounds, but their spouse would not necessarily be disciplined if the FCE believes there is genuine repentance as evidenced by the “fruit of repentance” listed above.
While there are going to be complex and complicated circumstances that come up, the ideal is to work together with the couple toward confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration.
Remarriage
It is Harbor Church’s position that when a person has pursued a divorce on biblical grounds, he or she is free to remarry (1 Corinthians 7:15-16). In cases where a person is a member of Harbor Church and has been involved in an unbiblical divorce, whether before or as a member of the church, or whether before or after they were saved, biblical eligibility for remarriage will be made on a case-by-case basis and will be determined by the Full Counsel of Elders of the church.
**This document is adapted from Understanding Divorce and Remarriage written by Dr. Steve Viars for Faith Church, Lafayette, Indiana.
